It is 6pm on Christmas Eve. A pale winter Norfolk moon shines miserably
through a cracked, filthy window into an ancient, ramshackle building on the
edge of a small market town.
Outside a strange man with an unusual haircut pulls his long cloak tighter
around
his freezing body as he trudges slowly through the deep snow and approaches
the entrance. He glances at the cracked wooden sign, with paint peeling from
it like skin from a leper's arsehole. On it, barely legible now, are the
faint letters
spelling out "Nurse Jules' Home for Poor, Sickly, Miserable, Starving,
Orphan
Children".
Upon reaching the dilapidated door he extrudes a thin, bony hand from within
the warm confines of his voluminous black, woollen shawl and raps loudly
upon
it.
Inside a faint shuffling noise, growing steadily louder, can be heard from
deep
within the bowels of the orphanage. A few minutes later a door opens inwards
with a low creak and a small friendly-looking woman peers curiously out.
With an American accent that seems strangely out of place under the
circumstances
she enquires of the stranger's identity and business to which he replies."
"I am known by many names, some silly, some quite frankly ridiculous but
tonight
I wish to be known as Flibbertigibbet the Amazing Flouncer. I travel the
country
reciting hilarious and extremely clever, in I may say so myself, rhymes and
stories
and entertaining all I meet. In short I am an entertainer of great renown.""
"Why Sir, that is simply wonderful, fantastic and amazing", cried the small
friendly
looking American accenting speaking woman who had previously opened the
door earlier in the story, "My poor, sickly, miserable, starving, orphan
children
are completely bored shitless this evening. It will still be another 97
years before
television is invented and at least 175 years before there is anything
decent worth
watching on it and I'm afraid they've used up all their books for wiping
their arses
on as we cannot afford toilet paper. Please come in and hopefully your
magical
storytelling will enchant my miserable little sods and give them a Happy
Christmas
for once in their godforsaken lifes."
The stranger entered gladly into the building although it was barely any
warmer
inside that out. He waited quietly in the small entrance hall whilst Nurse
Jules
entered into the main dormitory to pass on the news to the children inside.
She clapped her hands to disturb the snivelling, snot-covered wretches from
beating
the crap out of each other and announced with a quivering voice ""Children,
children,
I have some ever so exciting news. We have a marvellous visitor who has
agreed
to entertain you this cold Christmas Eve. Isn't that wonderful!"
All of the children jumped up and down for joy and gave a loud cheer. Then
the
questions began. "Please, Nurse Jules, who is this visitor and how will they
entertain
us?", asked poor little deaf Alex B.
In the corner, ASL had even paused from his frantic masturbating to enquire
if it
was a stripper and if so if she was into dildos and stuff. "No, sorry, ASL,
not
this year" replied Nurse Jules with a laugh.
Not-so-Tiny Dom wanted to know which aspect ratio would be used for the
performance. The rest of the children groaned and beat him to a bloody pulp
which
at least kept them fairly amused for a short time.
Finally Nurse Jules told put them out of their appalling misery. "OK
Children, I am
happy to announce the arrival of Flibbertigibbet the Amazing Flouncer and
story-
teller, hurrah!"
And with that the door burst open and the entertainer strode masterfully
into the
cramped dormitory and began his act.
(Cut to five hours later)
In the main room of Nurse Jules' Home for Poor, Sickly, Miserable, Starving,
Orphan
Children not a word could be heard. Because, to be honest, most of the Poor,
Sickly,
Miserable, Starving, Orphan Children had fallen asleep 3 hours previously.
Only a
handful were left awake - Micky the Plowman's son and osc were amongst
these.
Micky turned to osc and whispered "This is fucking shit, I feel even more
miserable
now than I did before! I thought this guy was supposed to be an amazingly
funny
and clever story-teller. So far he's spend five hours telling us about his
disfunctional
family and the strange tale of how he rescued his wife from a witch in
exchange for
a magical cabbage."
osc replied, also in a whisper "Yes, he's rubbish, let's kill and eat him,
he probably
tastes as crap as his storytelling and jokes but it would still be better
than eating
woodlice and dandruff like we usually have to."
With that the Poor, Sickly, Miserable, Starving, Orphan Children were
transformed
into a rabid, blood-thirsty hoard who threw themselves upon the shocked
Flibbertigibbet and tore him limb from limb. They fed themselves hungrily on
the
bloodied mass of flesh which had once been Flibbertigibbet the Amazing
Flouncer
and enjoyed the best Christmas meal they had ever had. Unfortunately many of
them were violently sick afterwards and no matter how hard they tried to
scrub
the floor to remove all traces of the remaining gore it proved impossible to
get rid of.
But, that Christmas the residents of Nurse Jules' Home for Poor, Sickly,
Miserable,
Starving, Orphan Children were transformed into Poor, Feeling a bit better,
Not
quite so miserable, Bloated, Orphan children. And for that we can all be
truely
thankful.
The End.
