[Submitter's note: For those not in the know, the Bodleian is Oxford
University's main library.]
Subject: Re: Americans...
From: english.stud...@lots.of.free.time.ox.ac.uk (Janet McKnight)
Newsgroups: ox.talk
Hwaet! In žam ox.talk, ct maželode, wordum maelde:
> Eh? How on earth do you manage that? Tourists never exit from the Old
> Bodleian?
No. They never do.
What happens is this: they end up on a conveyor belt which slowly scooshes
them past all the interesting books, giving them time to comment and take
photos (sans flash, of course). This winds them round all the exciting
parts of the building, although carefully not disturbing the people who
are actually there to work. The conveyor belt carries the tourists
alongside such gems as the Duke Humphrey library, pausing by conveniently
positioned knotholes in the walls which, unbeknownst to the vast majority
of Oxford, were actually created by spies from Cambridge during the
notorious Tab Wars of 1842-3. The tourists can look through these
knotholes while their headsets allow them to listen to an exciting
commentary recorded by Magnus Magnusson. (Commentary is available in
English, French, Japanese, German, Spanish, Latin, Greek, Old Norse,
Anglo-Saxon, Italian, Dutch, Pahlavi, Akkadian, Aramaic and American.)
Thence the tourists are conveyed into a sealed chrome lift which slowly
slides them downwards into the bowels of the Bodleian Bookstacks. Here
they step onto another conveyor belt, which carries them slightly more
swiftly past the Large Books, the Books which Nobody Reads, down into the
deeper depths of The Books that I Need For My Essay. Past the chained
grimoires, we hear the tourists gasp in amazement at the sheer volume of
books which exists down there. A few tourists, from countries where
liberty is of paramount importance, mutter in horror as they see the
blind, stunted mutes who crawl around the Bookstacks, finding the books
which are ordered up by smell and touch alone. However, their horror at
this is soon eclipsed by a greater horror. As they pass down the corridor
at the end of the bookstacks (or at least, the point at which the eye can
no longer comprehend what it sees there as being 'books') one of the
restless young tourists discovers that her feet are actually stuck to the
conveyor belt. The alarm is soon raised, and for a few moments, bedlam
reigns in the labyrinthine corridors through which they are being carried.
Soon, however, gentle puffs of sleeping gas bring them into a docile
stupor, and the conveyor belt continues on its winding way. By the time
they reach the rotating knives, few of them have sufficient strength to
struggle, and even those who do are soon dispatched. The remains are
chuted off the conveyor belt (which is automatically hosed clean) into a
large book-shaped coffin, which then moves on rollers into the vaults
underneath the University Church. I am told that the passage down which
this coffin makes its final journey is wreathed with the spirits of
unfortunate visitors to the city of dreaming spires, who wail and rattle
their souvenir keyrings as they see new souls coming to join them.
While working in the Lower Reading Rooms, from time to time, a student may
chance to hear a muffled cry, distant and mournful, apparently issuing
from the very floor beneath. She may raise her head, pause a moment in
puzzled thought, straining to catch the words which are being chanted
beneath her. But the noise dies down, and she returns to her work, passing
the disturbance off as workmen in the bookstacks. Little does she know.
Let her work on, untroubled by these spirits of terror. Let her write her
essays, let her read her books. Let her emerge from the main doors of the
Bodleian, little realising how lucky she is to be able to do so. She need
not know what happens here, for what would it serve but to trouble her
dreams and haunt her waking thoughts? Let her go on her way.
The conveyor belt has come full circle, and a party of chattering tourists
steps aboard...
--
Moderators accept or reject articles based solely on the criteria posted
in the Frequently Asked Questions. Article content is the responsibility
of the submitter. Submit articles to ahbou-...@acpub.duke.edu. To write
to the moderators, send mail to ahbou-...@acpub.duke.edu.
|
