> This is (apparently) a real letter sent in May 2007.
> Rt Hon David Miliband MP
> Secretary of State,
> Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
> (DEFRA),
> Nobel House
> 17 Smith Square
> London SW1P 3JR
> 16 May 2007
> Dear Secretary of State,
> My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently
> received a cheque for
> £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing
> pigs. I would now
> like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.
> In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear
> pigs on, and
> which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be
> sure I approach
> this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as
> dictated by the
> EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
> I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not
> the type you want
> not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are
> there any
> advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks
> or Gloucester Old
> Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing
> these?
> As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be
> keeping an accurate
> record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any
> Government or Local
> Authority courses on this?
> My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been
> rearing pigs
> for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them
> was £1,422 in
> 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a
> cheque for not
> rearing any.
> If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get
> £6,000 for not rearing
> 100?
> I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself
> down to about
> 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for
> the first year.
> As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be
> more ambitious,
> perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my
> second year, for
> which I should expect about £2.4 million from your
> department.
> Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive
> tradable carbon
> credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and
> polluting methane
> gases?
> Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not
> eat 2,000 tonnes
> of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not
> growing crops.
> Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not
> feed the pigs I
> don't rear?
> I am also considering the "not milking cows"
> business, so please send any
> information you have on that too. Please could you also
> include the current
> Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an
> e-commerce basis
> with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several
> thousand hectares)?
> In view of the above you will realise that I will be
> totally unemployed,
> and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
> I shall of course be voting for your Party at the next
> general election.
> Yours faithfully,
> Nigel Johnson-Hill
|
